Are You Relationship
Ready?
By
Toni
Coleman
So, you want to fall in love? You are
certainly old enough and moving well along your chosen career path. Many
of your friends are either married or in committed relationships. You have
grown weary of the singles scene and
the solitary life. Therefore, you must be ready, right?
Not necessarily.
Get a commitment
phobe to make a commitment!
So what is relationship readiness anyway?
Exactly what it says. You are adequately capable of handling the commitment
and challenges that a healthy, intimate relationship requires.
How do you know if you are ready? What
are the characteristics you need to have or acquire in order to be ready
for true love?
Learn
why too much giving is actually competing with your man.
There are four primary areas that you
should explore in order to assess your present state of readiness.
1. Take an inventory of past traumas
and related major issues.
You should mentally review these and
honestly look at how well you have already addressed and resolved them.
As you work through each, ask yourself,
"Is this impacting me negatively in my present life." Also explore with yourself
the possibility that the issue could become problematic once you have entered
into an intimate relationship.
If you believe that there are things
you have not yet adequately dealt with, you need to go to work on these.
If you are unsure, then they bear closer examination. Consider utilizing
resources such as therapy or joining a support group.
An example of such issues can include,
but not be limited to; emotional, physical or sexual abuse in childhood,
parents' divorce, loss of a parent or other loved one, or a past abusive
or dysfunctional love relationship.
Why
men need to experience pain.
2. How's your self-awareness and
self-esteem?
If you do not possess adequate self knowledge
and a positive sense of self; an intimate relationship will be difficult
or impossible to sustain.
For instance, do you know yourself well
enough to answer the following?
Can you state your most deeply held
values?
Do you know what you can't live with
or without in a relationship?
Do you have a good grasp of your life
goals?
Do you know your own strengths and
weaknesses?
Now, do a quick assessment of your
self-esteem.
How do you see yourself?
How do others see you?
Remember you present different
selves:
at work
with family
with friends
in gatherings with acquaintances
If your answers tell you that you have
difficulty accepting and liking yourself, or if others frequently respond
negatively to you in your interactions with them, then this is an area you
should begin work on. Self-love is at the foundation of all healthy
relationships.
Do you know what he is looking for
in a date? Do you know what are his innermost desires and thoughts?
Do you want to
know how to make him yours?
3. Are your past relationships really
in the past?
If we don't get adequate closure on painful
experiences/issues from past relationships, we are at risk of bringing them
into present and future relationships in order to relive and resolve
them.
Therefore, it's important to know that
you have dealt adequately with any significant hurt or loss and have learned
from any dysfunctional dynamics you may have contributed to.
If you find yourself slipping into unhealthy
patterns in your thoughts or Behaviors as they relate to others; stop, identify,
and then deal with that leftover issue.
4. Do you know what you want from a
relationship?
We enter into relationships for many
different reasons and with many different expectations. Knowing what yours
are will help you to determine if this is the right relationship for
you.
Too often we "choose" someone using an
unconscious level of thought as our primary input. It is there that we hold
our deepest unmet needs, fears and desires. Unfortunately, there is often
a chasm between our conscious and unconscious selves that keeps this information
"hidden" from our rational and thinking side.
Therefore, it is very important to examine
all of your feeling and needs regarding any future relationship. Honestly
look at what you must have and cannot live without.
You must know what you want and need
from a future partner in order to choose the right one for you.
Now, spend some time exploring these
four important areas before you enter into a serious romantic relationship.
By doing so, you will be helping to ensure that your new relationship will
be a healthy and lasting one.
| RESOURCE BOX:
Toni Coleman is a licensed therapist
and relationship coach in private practice in McLean, Virginia. She specializes
in working with singles that want to create lasting, intimate relationships.
Toni has over 20 years of post-masters experience in relationship counseling
and coaching with singles and couples. She is the founder and President of
LifeChange Coaching and Consum-mate Relationship Coaching. She developed
and teaches the Creating Lasting Relationships Training, a tele-workshop
designed to help singles to define, implement and fulfill their life and
relationship goals. She has also written numerous email classes for singles
on all aspects of meeting, dating and relating. She is the author of the
email newsletter, The Art of Intimacy, which goes out to thousands of subscribers
monthly.
http://www.consum-mate.com |
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