|Should You Go on a Dating
Sometimes we need a hiatus from
dating. A hiatus is a break in something that normally has
continuity. You may have heard this term used in conjunction with television
shows: The show is going on hiatus until shooting starts for next
season. That means the actors and crew are taking a break until work
So how do you know it's time to consider a dating hiatus? It's when
youve been dating for many months or years and still seem no closer
to meeting the right person than when you started. It's when you've been
dating a succession of people but nothing of substance develops with any
of them. Are you beginning to feel like youre just beating your head
against a brick wall? It will feel better if you simply decide to
Youve gotten yourself in
a rut. You keep doing the same things to meet new people but every relationship
just peters out and goes nowhere. Youre starting to feel so frustrated
thats its affecting your relationships with family and friends.
Youre just grumpy and negative much of the time. Youre losing
hope of ever finding someone to love and becoming cynical and sarcastic about
your future. Instead of moving forward youre going into a
Before you let this state of mind
deteriorate into a full-blown depression, there is something you can do to
change it: go on hiatus! If youre on a losing streak and it keeps getting
worse instead of better, then do what any smart coach does for a player in
that situation. Take yourself out of the game for a while.
When what you have been doing just isnt working, its
time to stop, break the pattern and do something different. If you are sliding
into a state of misery and frustration, this may be the time when you are
unhappy enough to consider doing some personal growth and spiritual work.
Sad but true, most of us do not take steps to change until the pain of changing
is less than the pain of staying the same.
This is the time when you are
most motivated to find a connection to God or Spirit or Higher Power or whatever
you call the unseen force that created our world. This is the time when you
are most open to learning a new way to think and a new set of principles
to believe in and live by that will take you out of your misery and put you
back in charge of your life.
If this is where you are today,
dont beat yourself up because you havent found the love relationship
you so ardently desire. Even the best boxer in the world sometimes has to
go down for the count before he can get back up and start fighting again.
Give yourself a break and take a break from the dating scene.
Once you make up your mind firmly and decide you are going on a dating
hiatus, you will immediately start to feel a little better. Thats because
you have taken control of your life again and have stopped looking for someone
else to make you feel okay. Next time some well- meaning friend asks you
who youre dating you dont have to feel like a loser or a second-class
citizen because youre alone. You can just say, Oh, Im on
hiatus right now. Ive decided not to date for a while. Its
a choice you have made, not an unwanted situation you found yourself in.
You are in control and youre feeling better!
Nows the time to take that
class youve been meaning to take, start going to church, find a therapist
or counselor or support group. Read a book or two about spiritual principles,
study the bible or other scriptures that interest you. Go back to your religious
roots or explore some different philosophy that intrigues you. Try a yoga
or meditation or dance class. Take the hours and hours you used to spend
online at the dating sites and invest them into yourself
Before I met my husband I took
a two year dating hiatus and did just what Im suggesting you do.
Thats why I know it works. What a relief it was to get myself out of
the mindset of most singles: looking, looking, always looking.
I pulled in my singles antenna that was always on the lookout
for any man that might be a possibility. I stopped making decisions about
whether to go to any event based on how many single men might be there. I
accepted my state of singleness and enjoyed all the good things about
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I delved into the universal spiritual principles taught in Religious
Science and Unity churches and discovered that I actually had the power to
change how I think and what I believe. I created a whole new life for myself
and learned how to be happy and whole as a single person. I let the old feelings
of not good enough drop away and replaced them with believing
and knowing that my happiness did not depend on having a partner.
Also, I came to realize that holding
on to resentments from the past can block you from attracting good things
into your life today. Learning to release bitterness and resentment is a
necessary step, but one that many people are unwilling to take. If you are
having difficulty finding and keeping a good partner today, chances are
theres some anger over a past hurt buried in you thats part of
You dont have to
forgive and pretend that whatever they did wasnt wrong,
but unless you release those angry feelings, and stop giving them your attention,
youll never be free of their influence. Doing this emotional work may
not be much fun and you may resent the fact that you even have to do it!
But if you have the courage you can find a way and it will make a tremendous
difference in your next relationship. I can vouch for that.
When I was secure in the knowledge
that I am enough and dont need anyone else to be happy then I was able
to go back into dating and attract a great mate in less than a year. Turns
out that the solution to the problem was within myself. Once I released my
old resentments and learned to appreciate all the good things about my life,
I attracted some really good men into my life. Now I'm happily married a
man who is a perfect partner for me.
This dating hiatus idea may seem
too radical and extreme to you right now. However, the more people you date
and the more unhappy you get, the more it will start to make sense to you.
If all you do is take a break for a while, but dont do anything to
make needed changes within yourself during that time, then you cant
expect to get better results when you start dating again. A dating hiatus
works only if you work it!
How long should it take? There are no hard and fast rules about this.
It all depends on how much change and growth you need before you are able
to produce a different outcome for yourself. My guess would be a minimum
of six months to an average of several years.
Does this sound impossible for
you right now? If you cant stand the thought of not having a date for
six months, then you are in a precarious state of mind, depending way too
much on being in a relationship to make you feel okay. A dating hiatus could
be just what you need, but you may not be ready to accept that yet. It requires
patience and the determination to stick with it for however long it takes.
In our culture of instant gratification and the quick-fix, people dont
like hearing this, but it is the truth.
Let these ideas sink in and roll
around in your subconscious for a while. Few people will joyfully jump up
after reading this and shout, Yes, Im going on a dating hiatus
tomorrow! Give it some time and when the time is right for you (or
when you are sufficiently miserable and frustrated), you will know. When
its done with the right motivation, a dating hiatus along with some
personal growth work can be your ticket to a better future. You'll go back
into the dating game with a real possibility of winning next time.
Barbara Wright Abernathy, Modern
Goddess, speaker and workshop leader is the author of Venus On Top: Women
Who Are Born To Lead And The Men Who Love Them. Get a free report from
Barbara, "3 Biggest Mistakes People Make While Dating" at