|Are you (or are you with)
We hear it all the time. "He just won't
make a commitment." "She just wants some space right now." "I'm not sure
if I'm ready for a serious relationship."
What does having a fear of commitment
really mean? Actually, it means basically what it says. For SOME reason you,
or someone you are involved with, isn't ready to take this relationship (or
any relationship) to the next step.
So how do we know if we or our (hoped
for) partner are truly afraid of commitment? How do we know that it's not
something else? Is there any real difference between these two anyway?
Classifications of Commitment Phobes
Do these excuses sound familiar? "I'm
just under a lot of stress right now." "It's not you, it's me." "I can't
focus on a relationship right now because of my overloaded schedule."
Very often, we want to accept these reasons
because we fear the real truth. Other times, we are just very confused by
our feelings and the often mixed messages from the other person.
So, how do we evaluate our ability to
make a long-term commitment? How do we know if he/she is really ready or
Get a commitment
phobe to make a commitment!
Are you in love with a commitment phobe?
If so, you've probably resorted to
There are only two real issues here to
The first issue involves looking at a
true fear of commitment itself. If this is the problem it's important for
the person with this fear to ask themselves a few key questions.
Are you concerned about the idea of
Do you fear you could make a mistake in who you choose?
Do you fear a loss of your freedom/autonomy?
Are you afraid of a bad marriage- like your parents for instance?
Do you fear you would be a bad mate?
In Love With a Commitment Phobe?
Learn How You
Become Attached to the Phobia
If you answered yes to any of these,
it would be a good idea to begin working to understand where these feelings
come from. Once you understand them better, you can choose to address
Perhaps you need more time or emotional
growth before you consider making a long-term commitment. There can be several
factors that influence your fear. Explore these and arm yourself with a plan
to put them to rest.
If you would like to deal with past
relationship feelings, understand if you are relationship ready or evaluate
your self-awareness, go to
for articles that can assist you with these issues.
Greater self-knowledge will help you
to overcome this block to building a lasting and satisfying
Phobe Relationship Cycles
The second issue is the inability to
make a commitment to a PARTICULAR relationship. This may not be the right
one. Perhaps there is a sense of this but it is written off to being a
"commitment -phobe" in general.
Focus on the true level of involvement
with each other. Is there a genuine connection? Or is there a vague feeling
of something missing? Evaluate the quality of your intimate relating. This
does not mean how often (or even how good) the sex is. This is about how
open, sharing and real you are in your interactions with each other.
That People Who Are in Love With a Commitment Phobe All
Does any of this sound familiar?
It seems like we are only killing time?
He/she doesn't seem to want what I want. We seem to be off and on in our
level of contact/affection. I/they are still not over a past relationship.
I/they just don't seem to know what I/they want.
Remember to focus on the involvement
or lack thereof between you. If either person is disengaged in any way, it's
time to address the real issue of; "Is this the right relationship for
Exploring your ability to make a lasting
commitment should be a first step in your plan for building a healthy and
The Lure of the
Toni Coleman is a licensed therapist
and relationship coach in private practice in McLean, Virginia. She specializes
in working with singles who want to create lasting, intimate relationships.
Toni has over 20 years of post-masters experience in relationship counseling
and coaching with singles and couples. She is the founder and President of
LifeChange Coaching and Consum-mate Relationship Coaching. She developed
and teaches the Creating Lasting Relationships Training, a tele-workshop
designed to help singles to define, implement and fulfill their life and
relationship goals. She has also written numerous email classes for singles
on all aspects of meeting, dating and relating. She is the author of the
email newsletter, The Art of Intimacy, which goes out to thousands of subscribers
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Get a commitment
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