by Tigress Luv
AM I SUCH AN EMOTIONAL WRECK?
Suffering the loss of a love is a true emotional crisis.
Emotional abandonment can be as painful as grief over death, perhaps even
more. This grief can burrow deep within us where it undermines our self esteem,
wreaking havoc on our lives and even interfering with future relationships
if left unchecked. This can happen when we don't learn how to properly handle
the intense feelings that abandonment and rejection can have on us.
unrequited love can create a very deep and personal wound. It undermines
our sense of self worth and destroys our security. We may feel intense feelings
of panic, anxiety, hopelessness, longing, isolation, self-blaming, anger,
resentment, helplessness, unworthiness, and despair.
I FEEL SICK
TO MY STOMACH. IS IT NORMAL TO FEEL PHYSICALLY ILL?
Well, sure! Your heart is broken! Your body reacts physically to almost
any - in fact, to just about all - emotional pain. Your head pounds. Your
pulse rate quickens. Your stomach turns. You lose your appetite one minute
and eat a half of a gallon of Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream the next. You oversleep,
suffer from insomnia, or have nightmares. You have cramps, nausea, and dizziness.
You¹re edgy with friends and family, hyper-vigilant to the most innocent
of remarks, and absolutely consumed with obsessive thoughts of your lost
loved one. The thought of going to work, going out with friends, or even
getting out of bed is mortifying! Your body may ache all over and you may
feel like you just ran a marathon.
WHY MUST I
GO THROUGH THIS PAIN?
Feelings of hopelessness, panic, anxiety, depression, and even - especially
- desperation are normal in the initial stages of a break up. Thankfully,
these intense feelings gradually reverse through your journey of personal
growth and recovery. It is necessary to go through these emotions and work
through your grief systematically. You cannot by-pass, skip over, or get
around grief. You have to go through grief in order to release
WHO CAN I TURN
Friends and family, although well-meaning, soon become bored and uneasy with
your constant moaning and whining. And face it, you are moaning and whining!
They get frustrated when they have offered you their opinions and advice,
and you chose to not follow it. Unfortunately, their well-meaning opinions
are usually, 'he was such a jerk - get over him, already!' or 'she was a
liar and a cheat - you can do so much better!'
some people going through a painful break up will seek for temporary solutions
to kill their pain. These can be very self-damaging and harmful methods such
as drugs, alcohol, or even a one-night stand. Some will (I, for one) even
go as far as getting emotionally addicted to their grief - using it as a
sort of 'rebound relationship'. Depression is also very common.
be yours alone to handle. Counselling, therapy, and recovery groups are available
to help you. Our very own Lifted
Hearts Community (http://liftedhearts.com) and
Breaking Up Net
(http://breakingup101.com) are great recovery support groups that connect
you with others who are either going through the devastation of a break up,
on the road to recovery, or well past the bridge and have happily and thankfully
fully recovered and moved on. Our communities there, and our support boards,
will help you along the way, pointing out and identifying rough bumps on
that road and holding your hand all the way.
Lifted Hearts Community
Breaking Up Net
(http://breakingup101.com) are available to you as encouragement throughout
your troubled times, and as a life-long friend forever after that. Your neighbors
there provide unprecedented support and guidance, along with insightful
techniques and tricks for overcoming your heartache. Add a huge dose of
compassion and understanding and that's what makes up our wonderful
communities. We know the agony of losing someone you love.
AM I MEANT
TO BE ALONE?
Some of us attract, or seem to be attracted to, emotionally dangerous or
unavailable partners. You may believe your chronic break up history may have
to do with you being unlovable, unattractive, emotionally unstable, or unworthy
of a respectful and loving mate. Unfortunately, some of us do subconsciously
choose mates that will verify these feelings in us. It's almost as though
we are looking for constant feedback of these low self-esteem feelings. Perhaps
we are somewhat addicted to false values, searching for security outside
of ourselves, mistaking our worth based on that of having a partner, or even
that of unrealistic childhood dreams and adolescent idealisms.
Take this time
now to reflect back over your relationships and see if you aren't consistently
attracted to those who may be emotionally unavailable (a challenge), or those
who need fixing, have addictions, or other emotional problems and issues.
The problem may not be that you are meant to be alone, but rather that you
need to learn that you are worthy and whole with or without a partner, and
then make the conscious decision to be more selective in your choice of future
Until you can
get an understanding of yourself and what motivates you, you may be destined
to be chronically heartbroken.
IS THERE SOMETHING
WRONG WITH ME?
Sometimes we carry issues with us from the past that interfere with our everyday
life, our relationships, and our overall happiness. For a much more in debt
look at this theory, read the online webBook,
How to Get Over a Breakup
(http://lovehurts.us).You may find how earlier losses, abandonments, rejection,
and disappointments may be interfering with your healing process. You might
find that you are maybe racked in pain from past events that you no longer
You may feel like
you are always on the outside looking in. Or feel trapped in a loneliness
you did not consciously choose, forced to always feel like you are singled
out for misery. Maybe you believe you're just plain incapable of being in
a relationship. Maybe your deepest fear is that you will never find a mate
that you can have a healthy relationship with.
This just simply
isn't so! You are just caught in a pattern of past hurts, a pattern you can't
escape from until you identify its source and listen to yourself. Our online
webBook, How to Get Over a
Breakup (http://lovehurts.us), will shed much light on this subject,
enabling to have more healthy future relationships, and recover from the
grief of your current break up.
CAN I GET ADDICTED
TO MY GRIEF?
Yes! Chronic heartache is usually a sign of emotional hunger, and, without
realizing it, we can become addicted to our grief. It holds our hand and
comforts us, never leaving our side. Grief can actually take the place of
your lost mate in your mind. In a sense you can become 'conditioned' to having
your grief always there waiting for you, like a loving, comforting
IS THERE A
'QUICK-FIX' METHOD THAT WILL KILL THIS HORRIBLE PAIN?
No. You may numb it, but you can't hide from it. There are things that will
make us feel temporarily better, but grief will still
You need to feel your grief in order to release it. You can't skip over it,
pass it up, or pretend to be okay. Many have tried to self-medicate their
hurt and emptiness by food, alcohol, drugs, sex, shopping, smoking, revenge,
friends, socializing, television, sleeping, and therapy. Grasping at methods
to avoid your grief only makes your grief seem more in control of you, instead
of you in control of it. Feeling your grief is the best way to 'fix' it..
anger, and resentments can keep you emotionally attached to the pain. You
must find forgiveness in your heart for both yourself and those who have
hurt you, either deliberately or unintentionally.
HOW CAN I FIND
FORGIVENESS FOR SOMEONE WHO HURT ME SO?
Forgiveness is for you, not for them. They may never even know you have
forgiven them! Forgiveness is just in letting others go and giving them
the human right to be 'wrong'. Forgiveness is not in saying, 'you hurt me
- but that's okay', it is in saying, 'you hurt me and that isn't okay, but
I forgive you anyway because you are only human and humans make
also about you. Forgive yourself your own role in your break up. You are
human, you messed up - big deal! Haven't we all messed up? Painful
lessons we learn in life are actually rewards we get paid in the
IS IT GOOD
Of course! Otherwise why would we have that great ability to cry and release
our sorrows and embrace our souls. Not only is crying good for you, it releases
a chemical in our brain that actually acts as a muscle relaxant. If we deny
our grief and repress our feelings they often surface in other self-destructive
ways, such as anger, rage, overeating, drugs, alcohol, sex, smoking, depression,
emotional-indifference, or the inability to have healthy relationships in
the future. That's a lot of self-imprisoning just to avoid a few minutes
of tears! It actually takes more courage and bravery to feel hurtful feelings
and grief, than to not. Allowing and acknowledging our pain is a very brave
thing to do.
If, however, you
feel your pain is over-extended or out-of-control, you may excel your healing
as well as gaining emotional benefits in seeking help from outside sources,
such as therapy, counselling, friends, family, co-workers, or joining a support
group, such as our wonderful Lifted
Hearts Community (http://liftedhearts.com) and
Breaking Up Net
CAN I SAVE MY
RELATIONSHIP AND GET MY PARTNER BACK?
Of course it's possible! All is not lost, but the trick is to know how
to do it. Often times we do the complete opposite of what we should when
trying to regain a lost love. What we end up doing is pushing them even farther
away - exactly what we didn't want! To learn more about the techniques needed
to stop or undo a breakup visit the website, how to
Stop a Breakup (http://stopabreakups.org).
It has helped hundreds and hundreds of people save their relationships and
regain their partner's love, and it may help you, too!
Also, you may want to find out why you were dumped to begin with! Otherwise,
getting back together may just be a short interlude from being terminally
single. For men there is information here
(http://thedumped.com) on Why Women Dump
Men, and also for men there is great information on why women are disloyal
at Why Women Cheat
(http://whywomencheat.com). For women they can find out
here (http://manmagnet.net) what, exactly,
makes a man attracted to them and want
to stay with them. And for those involved
with a commitment phobic partner, you'll find tips on
how to get a commitment, plus
eye-opening and insightful information
about your CP (that even they don't know!)
Why get back together if you're just going to break up
~by Tigress Luv
Tigress Luv has been healing hearts
and mending broken relationships for years! You can find more of her insightful
relationship advice articles, along with information about her and her Lifted
Hearts Network, at
out her webBooks now! You'll be glad you did!
is Everything! Here's what to do when you lose
Hurting? Learn how to break
free from their spell
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My Big Breakup
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