|Seven Fun Methods
For "Getting Over a Bitter Break
by Tigress Luv
Getting over a bitter break up? Try these seven
Step 1: Face reality.
Consider calling your ex on that promise
that they made. You know the one - when they promised to "die for
you do anything really stupid, such as coating the underside of your ex's
car door handles with your pet poodle, Fi-Fi's, droppings, (odds are Fi-Fi
doesn't produce enough do-do to do-do a thorough enough job on the scumbag's
car, anyway!) realize that you are in a very fragile and irrational state.
This means that you will consume mass quantities of Ben & Jerry's ice
cream, cry during McDonald's tv commercials, and seriously consider dying
your hair orange and getting a tattoo of a fly smack-dab at the end of your
stop and realize that these insane feelings,
too, shall pass. Who wants to be reminded of a bad breakup by having their
nose batted by a fly swatter for the rest of their
Be warned: Do NOT attempt
to contact your ex! Yes, you'll be tempted to call your ex during a 2 a.m.
shooters-induced-tizzy, or send an anonymous letter to their mother revealing
all their naughty, little bedroom habits, but what will that accomplish?
Understand that there is nothing you can do to bring your ex back,
or diminish your pain - short of kidnapping them, that is.
No. Kidnapping is
not an option!
Beyond this, face it
- your ex is a SOB and the sooner you tell the world, the better. And last,
but not least, thank the good Lord that there is a mandatory waiting period
after purchasing a firearm.
Step 2: Pamper
Nothing like a hot bikini-wax
to get those nerves to quiet down! :) hehe
Please, don't make the
mistake of exaggerating your role in the breakup. For instance, it really
doesn't matter that you had an affair! After all, it WAS your ex's fault
for being so lousy in bed, right? If they had just read that manual you bought
them for their birthday...! And you know what manual I'm talking about,
the one with the stick-people gameplay diagrams, complete with the O's and
the X's - and the G-spots.
Some things you can
do to pamper yourself:
Rent some good movies,
such as 'The Burning Bed', 'One Night Stand', 'Play Misty For Me', and, my
personal favorite, 'Fatal Attraction'.
Make two lists. The
first is a list of all your great points, such as your awesome body, Menza
I.Q., and sharp-as-a-tack tongue. The second list is about your ex's bad
points - i.e., the way they used a blow-dryer to dry themselves (the best
I've ever heard [thank you, Stacey!]), the book they bought on how to tell
time like a pro, and the various methods they used for removing excess gas
from their bodies.
Write a sad, sappy breakup
poem, such as:
"Who the hell does he
think he is?"
I wrote in the women's stall...
"Let me say, as I take this piss...
Gregory Smith's wangy is really, really small!"
This poem works especially
well if your ex happens to be named 'Gregory Smith'. (okay - so I'm
not in a very creative mood!).
Step 3: Don't
keep it all inside!
Emotions denied tend
to fester, so make sure you release all that built-up frustration in a
Take up running. For motivation on getting started go over to your
ex's house, throw a brick through their windshield, and 'run' as fast as
you can the hell outta there!
pillow. Your ex's $700 custom-made cue stick should work
perfectly for this job.
For instance, that 100-year-old bottle of wine your ex was saving for
a special occasion.
Binge. It's perfectly
okay to consume twenty-dozen Twinkies in a twelve hour period. Just make
sure you stick your finger down your throat every ninth or tenth
done during fantastic orgasms with your new, red-hot lover.
Step 4: Stay active.
Take up parasailing,
tennis, or scuba diving.
Leave your ex to cough
in your dust as you soar right past them: go back to school, become a successful
lawyer, run for the presidential office, and bash your ex all through your
campaign. Sure to make them wince every time they turn the tv
Ask yourself, "what
is my ex good at that he/she also enjoys doing and does quite often?" For
instance, let's say your ex is good at golf and plays regularly. Take this
info, learn to play golf like a pro, show up at every one of your ex's golf
games, and win!
Take up yoga, or a workout
regimen at your local gym. A firm, hard body is great for your ego - especially
when you flaunt it around your ex whenever the chance arises!
Step 5: Write
your ex a letter.
Tell your ex what
a nasty, vehement little devil-creature they are. Hold nothing back! If you
faked orgasm for the entire 22-months you were together, let them know. If
you never really did like their spoiled-rotten kids, now is the time to tell
them. Skip nothing! Get it all off your chest! Feel better? Good. Now throw
the letter away.
On second thought, send
it. And copies to your ex's boss. Their mother. Their new
Step 6: Get
How to get
Run for Senate. Of course,
this works better if you're married to the president.
If running for senate
isn't an option, you can still drive your ex nuts by pretending like the
breakup never happened to begin with. For example, call your ex up at work
and ask what they would like for dinner, or if they could pick up some milk
on their way home. Act confused by their 'bewilderment'. Hehe. Or...send
everyone in his/her family greeting cards on special occasions and sign both
of your names. Show up at 6:30 a.m. on Sunday morning to give the car a tune-up,
or water the garden. Call your ex up at 3 a.m. and ask him/her if they remembered
to turn the gas off on the stove and lock the front door before they
came to bed.
Actually, the best revenge?
APATHY! Learn it and live it! (exes HATE apathy)
Step 7: Be Cool.
If all else fails, you
still have denial to fall back on.
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